June 24th, 2008
I'm really screwed now
Haha. And that's an understatement.
I just really hate what's happening right now. I mean.. I know they're all concerned about me and stuff.. but really. They don't really know the person. It's not entirely his fault too.. It's mine. Cause really, I was falling out of love for Ards. Damn it.
It's not like I could tell myself "Stop loving him" when I just can't. It's impossible. Friends and others tell me that the feeling's new.. Cause everything just happened so fast.. Yadda yada yada. But really, it isn't that. It isn't new. And I would know if I love the person or not. You feel it. I was aware before that I simply had a crush on him. And that's that. It was just a crush. But damn. After our first kiss, my first impulse was to say "I love you", but I thought better. I didn't want to scare him away. Then I thought.. Is it real? Do I really love this guy?
Sometimes, being with him seems surreal. I never expected him to see me as more than a friend. We were the best of friends.. "bestest friends". Neither of us expected that something like this would happen. Like he said.. We've hurt a lot of people.. Even ourselves. But that won't make us stop loving each other. Everyone may be against it.. But really. If they'd let things be, they'll see what a great person he is. They'll see that I'm not the person who I am right now.. A person who always fights them to defend my loved one. o.o
How right. Us against the world. God. Why can't they just leave us be. Everyone's biased. And I do know that Ards is really kind. I mean, he doesn't hate me. And he doesn't even blame me. Even if it's all my fault, actually. If I hadn't entertained him, then things would be alright. If Ards and I didn't have a misunderstanding before, then things might turn out fine. But then.. It isn't like that.
This is the first time I fell this hard for someone. I really am inlove. The spark? It's there. What I've been looking for. And it's not because he has been my crush.. No. Gelo had become my crush, but there wasn't any spark like this. This.. This is different. God, I really do love him.
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder". Haha. I didn't believe in this. I even told my mom. She said, yes, just like her. She asked if that's what I feel with Ards (this was before, before the breakup. I told my mom that Ards and I were on a "rocky" relationship.) I said.. Yes. Then she tried making Ards and me go out often. But then see, it didn't work. I really thought about him. When he came along.. I mean, with what has happened, that statement applies to me now. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. And it makes me irritated too. I want to be with him every single minute, every single second. These 5 days of not kissing him.. of not hugging him.. of not even seeing him.. God. It's torture. Plain torture. I want to be with him. I never felt this way with Ards before.
God. I sound so mean, don't I? Comparing. x.x I'm sorry.. but I really do like this guy. I LOVE him. Get it? Got it? Good.