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Yes. Oh yes. )

 I'm sabaw. Anyway. Cried a while ago. Cause of the usual. Thinking about the old times. About G and everything. But then, man! I have to move on, you know? First thing, it's more than a year now. And I was the one who broke up with him. Second, I have my own. And we're celebrating it next week. Can't wait! Ayan. Kinikilig ako. Haha. Cute.

 There. Was hurt. Thinking of G and the new girl. I'm such a stalker. But well.. When I looked at G's profile, I saw the comments of the girl. To G. And. She seemed sweet. Really sweet. And really "totoo", you know? I just felt that the girl was really serious with G. And that made me happy. So.. I didn't feel hurt when I tried checking the profile of the girl. It's a restricted profile, by the way. Anyway, when I saw the pic, I didn't feel "pain". I mean, fine yea, I did. But not too much. Not like the usual. I'm happy for them, actually. This will be like the way I felt with M. Hurt at first. Then.. There. I'd get used to the feeling. Then I'd be happy. At least with G, we're still friends. But with M? Pf. Anyway, yea. Am used to it so it doesn't really bother me that much anymore. And to think that 3 years have passed already. Haha. Dapat lang I'd get used to it, right? So there..

 About them again.. G's super sweet with the girl. Comparin. Haha. He wasn't that much with me. Like.. He just goes to my house, and that's it. With her, they spend time going to the mall and stuff. Gateway. Haha. Well, go on and have fun. Yea..

As for me? I'm having fun too. When there's no work. Haha. Yea. There. And.. Mikko's super sweet with me. Yea, can't leave him.

Why am I not hurt anymore? Being contented with what I have. Chatting with friends.. Ice. Mei. Nixie. Maann. There. And survey. Badette, Ice, Mei. Haha. Happy. Yay! 

Here I am again. Not in the mood.

 Ardo making jokes and stuff. Ish alright. But.. Just not in the mood.

 Was my old self a while ago. Felt my old self a while ago. When I drank Red Horse. Yea. Was pushing Ardo away. Most probably the effect of the alcohol, right? Yea. Have to convince myself that that is the reason. Yea. Haha. So.. What now? I'll end it here. Will write again when something's bothering me. Or if something or someone's making me happy. Yea.

So.. What do you do on an anniversary? Of course, you'd celebrate. What if that day was the weekend right before your finals? Well, I have no idea. Yea. So.. What do I do? Cram, of course. How nice.

 Sigh. Am bothered. Not in the mood again. Lonely. Depressed. Sad. I just do hope I graduate fast. Have no more problems. Go to another country. Forget my problems.. Forget him. Forget all the people who hurt me without even knowing it. Just.. Forget them.

About the "celebration". Yea. It feels like I HAVE to do something about it. Not "I WANT to". Now, I have no idea what to do. I don't know what to do on those things. Cause I never celebrated something like that with anyone. Shouldn't he be the one to know what to do? Besides, he was the one who had someone for more than a year. Surely they did something. 

I want to cry. It seems like I wasted a lot in my life. That's what I regret. I didn't treasure the times I was with Mikey. I even pushed him away. Unfortunately, he was serious about my text when I was "Mikey, lam mo naman kung sino ako so please stop." I don't even remember right now that I said something like that. I'm stupid. Then, the sudden breakup with Gelo. With G. Chacha, cha, bie. Yea. Sudden breakupSSSS, I mean. Didn't even bother to think of the times when we were together. I didn't have a heart.

Maybe I'm happy too. Right now. Want to cry cause I'm filled with so much happiness. I never realized that someone could bear with my attitude that long. I'm thinking, it should have been Gelo. It should have been him. But.. There's something else I can't explain. If it was Gelo, then I wouldn't experience the kind of treatment that I have with Mikko. I wouldn't be the person I am now. I wouldn't be showing my emotions to the world. I wouldn't be "feeling". I wouldn't know how to care. I wouldn't be laughing. I'd always be seeking pity from people. There are a lot of things that Mikko made me do that Gelo wasn't able to do. Sorry for comparing, but that's the only way I could think of to show the difference and importance of each. Mikko had made me laugh a lot. He really cares about me. I don't know if I'd give in or if I had given in already.. To learn how to really care about someone. About that someone's feelings.. About his thoughts.. About what he wants.

I'm deeply affected with everything that he does. I realize that now. When he's with his friends, I feel like I have to take a step back and give him time with his friends. But that isn't what he wants. He wants me to be there, with his friends. He wants everyone to be comfortable with each other. That's sweet.. Being considerate. Being.. I don't know. Being something.

And his schedule revolves around me. He's friends with my friends. Wow. Maybe that's how he's brought up to be. I don't care. That's what he is and I like it. 

I think that I've given in.. If he would want to get out of this relationship in the future, I think that it would be the first time I'd feel the WHOLE pain.. Humiliation, heartbreak, and everything else.. 

Yea. So. I'll stop. In time, I will. How? Started by not checking my Friendster account anymore. If I was able to do the iso mode before, not texting for a month, then it would be easier not to check my Friendster account. Makes sense? I hope so.

 I'm being unfair, yes. But it's something I can't deny. I just have to stop. Completely. Shouldn't hope. Like it was with Lau, it was a cycle back then. The reason why it was on and off. But I have to break the cycle. Stop and be happy. I guess I'm just stressed with my school work. But it's still unfair. So. Yes.

 I have to stop.

Okay so. Haha. Imma check my account. What's the point in not doing it anyway? What I'd not do is draw attention to me. Something like that. So what if my last login was 24 hours? So? Haha. Being optimistic. Like whatever choice I make, there'd be something good out of it. Sooo.. Yea. I might get affected, yea. But, that's fine. Face problems, right? Learn how to deal with it. So that at the end, I'd be able to move on..

I don't know what's going on in his life anymore. I don't know. All I know is that he's happy with his girl.

And why shouldn't he be? That girl is true to him. He'll probably end up marrying her, for all I know. And me? Where does that leave me?  

I am happy with my current boyfriend. He makes me happy.. But have I moved on from my past? Have I? I MUST, damnit! I HAVE TO. I HAD. Unless I wasn't paying attention to things. Like I can't take the distance. Something similar with someone, yea.

But this is different. Cause I chose him. How'd that start? I left the other cause I had a CRUSH with someone. Just a FUCKEN crush on someone. Had to tell G. I guess I was expecting him to soften up and try to win me. Or something. But he got jealous. And asked me if I wanted to leave him. I don't know why but I gave up. Didn't realize his worth. Didn't even think about his worth.

 Then a week passed. Was getting close to someone.. Then I dunno. I answered him. He was soooo sweet with me in the canteen. He bought me food? Yea, I think And I never experienced something like that before. Sooo.. He started that "something". He had that sense of humor. I was always with him. Because of that, what did he make me? He made me emotional. A lot more emotional. He made me show how I felt. Now, I show him that I'm jealous of someone or there's something that bothers me. In a way, it's okay. But in another.. It's scary. Cause I don't know how to control my emotions anymore.

Another thing that bothers me.. I don't know when to let go. Maybe subconsciously, I'm hoping that I'd return to the cycle. But I can't. I don't even know if I want to. A part of me says yes. A part says no.

I love my current...... I'm sorry if I'm being unfair. And I can't tell you about this. And if someone else reads this, I know this is a lot of blackmail material. But.. I just hope you understand. I don't know what'll happen to me if ever you'd leave me.